Making youtube videos to tell everyone that you’re “not dead” never was and never will be clever/funny. Unless the newspaper accidentally printed an obituary about you. Then you’ll probably want to post one ASAP. Or you could totally do what I would do and milk it for all it’s worth.

Think of all the awesome stuff that you could do if everyone thought that you were dead. For instance, you could haunt the shit out of people that you don’t like. Plus you could totally skip all the boring family holidays, like anyone’s birthday that isn’t yours. Or you could not skip them and freak everyone out. I mean, yes, there’s a general theme of being scary when it comes to being a ghost. But who cares? You have nothing better to do. You’re dead. Technically. Or not technically. I don’t know which one it is at this point.

Although, I guess it all really depends on how the obituary said that you died. Because if it’s something sad like cancer then you should probably just come right out and be like “jayplay, you guys, I’m still here.” But if it’s hilarious like “died petting too many bunnies in spite of severe allergies” then I say fucking go for it. Half because that’s hilarious and half because that’s probably the cutest way to die ever.

-The Gay

As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:

1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.

Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.

2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”

Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?

3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.

Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”

4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.

Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”

5. Do not facebook poke them.

Why not? Because that shit’s weird.

6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.

Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.

7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.

Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?

8. Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.

Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.

These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.

*Also, please don’t skin me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Gay!

This morning was one of those lazy mornings where I got barely any sleep so I only have enough energy in me to turn the TV on but not enough energy to change the channel to something that isn’t Dora the Explorer. So I watched Dora the Explorer. And shit. Was. Weird.

In this episode I guess for some reason all of Dora’s friends were trapped in some life or death situation? I don’t really know how or why they all almost died at the same time. In fact it was kind of like that movie Final Destination only with less psychic visions and better graphics. And also instead of them all dying in the end they all live. Mostly. Wait, oops, spoilers.

Basically it started off with some adorable baby jaguar being stuck in a tree and he was about to fall into some prickly thorn bush. So we get the net out of Backpack and Dora stops and is like “Wait, you guys… What do we do first? Do we catch the baby jaguar in the net first? Or do we celebrate about saving the baby jaguar first?”

I’m sorry, what? Do you want to try that question one more time Dora? So I’m literally standing there just staring at the screen and then Dora gets all pissed off because apparently I’m not answering quick enough and she gets all sarcastic and is like “GOOD JOB! We save him with the net first. Dumb bitch.”

Then we’re running to save Isa the talking lizard from some sort of flesh-eating ant army that’s got her trapped in a pit (not making this up folks) and we’re running full speed and all of a sudden Dora stops cold and is like, “There must be a faster way! We have to think rationally about this! Now breathe in…. And out.” Okay, literally Dora, everyone but you is taking this shit seriously. Backpack just speed-sung his song so that Isa wouldn’t get eaten alive, and now you want to stop to catch your breath.

So whatever, we end up saving Isa in time, no thanks to Dora, and we’re running now towards some giant Volcano that has some squirrel thing trapped in it. And that’s when she says it.

“The gooey geyser is going to go kerspoosh!”

I’m sorry, Dora, could you say that again? I couldn’t hear you over all the sexual innuendos. We’re running again and, can I just say, if you honestly really need to get somewhere fast, it’s probably not on a list of good ideas to stop in the middle of the forest and be like “Well what the fuck do we do now?” I’m looking at you, Dora. Also looking at you, stock female-lead-character-in-Horror-movies.

Then it happens again. Dora pulls out another awkward sentence and Boots is literally looking at her like, “Did you really just say ‘The Gooey balls! They’re going to hit us’?”

Yeah, actual quote, you guys.

We ended up saving everyone, thank God, and then we’re all just sitting around and Dora’s asking everyone what their favorite parts were. And so Isa’s like “I liked the part where I didn’t die” and the Jaguar’s like “I liked the part where I apparently flew up into a tree somehow before this episode started.” And then Dora turns to Boots and he’s like “I like when we counted to Cinco!”

Oh, really, Boots? Your favorite part was counting to 5? Not when you saved 3 peoples’ lives? Cool story bro.

Basically the moral of the story is that I’m not hanging out with Dora anymore.

-The Gay.

Okay you guys I just almost died.

First let me fill you in on a little bit of background info before I blow your mind.

When I was living at my old house we had to get the top floor re-done because there wasn’t enough room for all 5 of us to live peacefully. So naturally the builders were douchebags and I think it might have been Amway that built it because I just naturally assume that Amway is trying to fuck with me everytime something goes wrong. But so Amway built our house wrong

Not wrong as in upside down because that would just be really awesome, but wrong as in the windows had gaps in them. Yeah. Gaps. Gaps for bugs to come in through.

I thought nothing of this at first, killing bugs as they came into my room. Using the standard shoe or textbook method of killing. Until one fucking fateful motherfucking day.

One day I’m just sitting there at my computer in 8th grade updating my myspace song or something like that and all of a sudden a fly just swoops on down and lands on a quarter, whatever, totally normal. But wait. This is where shit starts to get freaky.

The fly is just sitting there, right? And then it sticks out this weird orange tongue and licks the fucking quarter and flies away.

Now you’re probably thinking “what the fucking fuck.” So am I, my friend. So am I.

So the fly flew away and the quarter had this orange mark on it, whatever it was weird. The next day there’s a fucking hole in the quarter.

THE FLY HAD FUCKING ACID BREATH MAGICAL POWERS!

After this I was freaked the fuck out but I made it my goal in life to kill bugs before they spray things in my room with magical acid breath powers.

Okay so basically I’ve been Ryan the bug slayer ever since because it’s basically been my day job to kill every bug ever in life. 

But here’s where shit fucking starts going fucking i dont even fucking know.

I’m arachno-fucking-goddamn-phobic. Which is why it was good that the gap letting in the bugs was not big enough for regular spiders to sneak through. Except oh right, spiders are fucking bitches. So one mama spider named Sarsparilla Spider (I name my victims before I kill them. That way they’re basically my bitches) just decided to make her goddamn webnest RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW and goddamn SHOOT HER BABIES OUT STRAIGHT INTO MY ROOM.

srsly wtffff.

So basically I was killing baby spiders like it was my day job. And then I got tired of it one day, took the bbq lighter and reached out my window and set her web on fire.

Completely burned down her web. Which may have inadvertently burned down my house also. Details, details. But I still consider it a win. At least I was able to pick up the insurance on my house. I’m pretty sure they don’t offer Spiders house insurance. Or dental. I’ll have to fact check that.

Nevermind guys. Let this be a lesson to never fact-check anything. Because not only did I not get an answer, I’m also probably never going to get to sleep ever again ever.

-The Gay

Halloo to all of our new Followers and thank you all for taking pity on us and Following us!

I figured I’d be the awesome one of the blog (as I usually am) and just give out the background on our little piece of shit blog.

My name is Alex and I work on this blog under the nickname “the Geisha”. Working with me are Ryan, “the Gay” and Jaimee, “the Guido”. They’re not as cool as me, but that isn’t the point of this post right now.

The point is to familiarize you new people with us weird people. We’re still a new baby sparrow learning to flex its wings in the nest called tumblr, so its not like we have a huge history to go over. To make a long story short, the three of us are people who think we’re really funny and like to rant a lot, so we figured we’d just post our rants on a blog and people would laugh/cry/get enraged by them. And so we created the blog that you now see before you.

And finally, here’s a little background information on the three idiots masterminds behind the blog:

Alex is me! the resident Geisha of the blog…even though I’m only 50% Chinese. And geishas are Japanese. We’re a little culturally confused here. I’m a huge nerd and film buff, so don’t be surprised if you read little references to pop culture and movie things. I am the funniest person on this blog. So I win. And I am obsessed with gifs.

You can follow my personal tumblog here: www.alexleefitz.tumblr.com

Ryan is the resident Gay of the blog. Obviously, he’s gay. We’re not very good with nicknames here. Anyhoo, he’s another nerd who may post nerdy things like I do and is almost as funny as me. Almost. You’ll usually find him posting at obscene times in the morning, as he never sleeps. He’s like Edward Cullen. But not as much as a pussy as Edward is. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. I HATE TWILIGHT. GTFO. Anyhoo, Ryan is definitely the most adorable one in the group and you can follow his personal tumblog here: www.finitesunrise.tumblr.com

Jaimee is the resident Guido of the blog. Yeah, she’s Italian. And a whore. But that’s not the point (although she’s got more STDs than all the prostitutes in New York City combined). She’s also a bit of a slacker who doesn’t post as obnoxiously as I do or as late as Ryan does, but when she does post its usually something random and barely coherent. But we still love her. I think. Jaimee is the most…uh….Italian in the group and you can follow her personal tumblog here: www.jaimeehelene.tumblr.com

So that’s us. If you have any questions…then you’re definitely taking this blog too seriously.

- The Geisha

EDIT ATTACK: This blog post gets the Charles Atlas/Guido seal of approval. ARR ARRF ARRF

-The Guido

P.S. That STD thing wasn’t true…It’s actually all the prostitutes in the western hemisphere combined.