Making youtube videos to tell everyone that you’re “not dead” never was and never will be clever/funny. Unless the newspaper accidentally printed an obituary about you. Then you’ll probably want to post one ASAP. Or you could totally do what I would do and milk it for all it’s worth.

Think of all the awesome stuff that you could do if everyone thought that you were dead. For instance, you could haunt the shit out of people that you don’t like. Plus you could totally skip all the boring family holidays, like anyone’s birthday that isn’t yours. Or you could not skip them and freak everyone out. I mean, yes, there’s a general theme of being scary when it comes to being a ghost. But who cares? You have nothing better to do. You’re dead. Technically. Or not technically. I don’t know which one it is at this point.

Although, I guess it all really depends on how the obituary said that you died. Because if it’s something sad like cancer then you should probably just come right out and be like “jayplay, you guys, I’m still here.” But if it’s hilarious like “died petting too many bunnies in spite of severe allergies” then I say fucking go for it. Half because that’s hilarious and half because that’s probably the cutest way to die ever.

-The Gay

I’ve recently started watching the show “No Ordinary Family” mostly because it has the fantastic Julie Benz as the female lead and also because… Wait no that’s pretty much it. The show is all about a family that suddenly gains superpowers and so naturally for the past week or so I’ve done nothing but convince myself of how awesome it would be if I had super powers and even worse, that one day it will happen.

It’s kind of a lot like that time when I was in kindergarten and I convinced my entire class that I was secretly a superhero with the power to turn into shadows. And I’d prove it by standing under a small tree, distracting them and then hiding behind it. They were so scared of me. It. Was. Awesome.

But now I think I’d settle for telekinesis or the power to teleport places. Mostly because those would save so much time with normal stuff and also, I guess help me with the whole fighting crime thing. But fighting crime seriously takes a back seat to me not having to get up from my bed to turn the lights off. That would be so great.

Also, Tumblr, do not try and tell me that “teleport” is not a word. It definitely is. This is like that time I was texting my friend to tell her that I couldn’t go out because I had a cold and my iPhone auto-corrected it to say “I can’t, I have a coal.” And then she got all confused and worried and I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn’t one of the miners that was trapped underground. But she’s kind of stubborn and didn’t believe me. I did get a really nice text from her though once they got all the miners out safely that went something like, “So glad to hear that you made it out okay! Also, now that you aren’t dying: You owe me $20 for dinner the other night. Just a reminder.”

She’s so sweet.

-The Gay

This morning was one of those lazy mornings where I got barely any sleep so I only have enough energy in me to turn the TV on but not enough energy to change the channel to something that isn’t Dora the Explorer. So I watched Dora the Explorer. And shit. Was. Weird.

In this episode I guess for some reason all of Dora’s friends were trapped in some life or death situation? I don’t really know how or why they all almost died at the same time. In fact it was kind of like that movie Final Destination only with less psychic visions and better graphics. And also instead of them all dying in the end they all live. Mostly. Wait, oops, spoilers.

Basically it started off with some adorable baby jaguar being stuck in a tree and he was about to fall into some prickly thorn bush. So we get the net out of Backpack and Dora stops and is like “Wait, you guys… What do we do first? Do we catch the baby jaguar in the net first? Or do we celebrate about saving the baby jaguar first?”

I’m sorry, what? Do you want to try that question one more time Dora? So I’m literally standing there just staring at the screen and then Dora gets all pissed off because apparently I’m not answering quick enough and she gets all sarcastic and is like “GOOD JOB! We save him with the net first. Dumb bitch.”

Then we’re running to save Isa the talking lizard from some sort of flesh-eating ant army that’s got her trapped in a pit (not making this up folks) and we’re running full speed and all of a sudden Dora stops cold and is like, “There must be a faster way! We have to think rationally about this! Now breathe in…. And out.” Okay, literally Dora, everyone but you is taking this shit seriously. Backpack just speed-sung his song so that Isa wouldn’t get eaten alive, and now you want to stop to catch your breath.

So whatever, we end up saving Isa in time, no thanks to Dora, and we’re running now towards some giant Volcano that has some squirrel thing trapped in it. And that’s when she says it.

“The gooey geyser is going to go kerspoosh!”

I’m sorry, Dora, could you say that again? I couldn’t hear you over all the sexual innuendos. We’re running again and, can I just say, if you honestly really need to get somewhere fast, it’s probably not on a list of good ideas to stop in the middle of the forest and be like “Well what the fuck do we do now?” I’m looking at you, Dora. Also looking at you, stock female-lead-character-in-Horror-movies.

Then it happens again. Dora pulls out another awkward sentence and Boots is literally looking at her like, “Did you really just say ‘The Gooey balls! They’re going to hit us’?”

Yeah, actual quote, you guys.

We ended up saving everyone, thank God, and then we’re all just sitting around and Dora’s asking everyone what their favorite parts were. And so Isa’s like “I liked the part where I didn’t die” and the Jaguar’s like “I liked the part where I apparently flew up into a tree somehow before this episode started.” And then Dora turns to Boots and he’s like “I like when we counted to Cinco!”

Oh, really, Boots? Your favorite part was counting to 5? Not when you saved 3 peoples’ lives? Cool story bro.

Basically the moral of the story is that I’m not hanging out with Dora anymore.

-The Gay.