I’ve recently started watching the show “No Ordinary Family” mostly because it has the fantastic Julie Benz as the female lead and also because… Wait no that’s pretty much it. The show is all about a family that suddenly gains superpowers and so naturally for the past week or so I’ve done nothing but convince myself of how awesome it would be if I had super powers and even worse, that one day it will happen.

It’s kind of a lot like that time when I was in kindergarten and I convinced my entire class that I was secretly a superhero with the power to turn into shadows. And I’d prove it by standing under a small tree, distracting them and then hiding behind it. They were so scared of me. It. Was. Awesome.

But now I think I’d settle for telekinesis or the power to teleport places. Mostly because those would save so much time with normal stuff and also, I guess help me with the whole fighting crime thing. But fighting crime seriously takes a back seat to me not having to get up from my bed to turn the lights off. That would be so great.

Also, Tumblr, do not try and tell me that “teleport” is not a word. It definitely is. This is like that time I was texting my friend to tell her that I couldn’t go out because I had a cold and my iPhone auto-corrected it to say “I can’t, I have a coal.” And then she got all confused and worried and I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn’t one of the miners that was trapped underground. But she’s kind of stubborn and didn’t believe me. I did get a really nice text from her though once they got all the miners out safely that went something like, “So glad to hear that you made it out okay! Also, now that you aren’t dying: You owe me $20 for dinner the other night. Just a reminder.”

She’s so sweet.

-The Gay

Okay you guys I just almost died.

First let me fill you in on a little bit of background info before I blow your mind.

When I was living at my old house we had to get the top floor re-done because there wasn’t enough room for all 5 of us to live peacefully. So naturally the builders were douchebags and I think it might have been Amway that built it because I just naturally assume that Amway is trying to fuck with me everytime something goes wrong. But so Amway built our house wrong

Not wrong as in upside down because that would just be really awesome, but wrong as in the windows had gaps in them. Yeah. Gaps. Gaps for bugs to come in through.

I thought nothing of this at first, killing bugs as they came into my room. Using the standard shoe or textbook method of killing. Until one fucking fateful motherfucking day.

One day I’m just sitting there at my computer in 8th grade updating my myspace song or something like that and all of a sudden a fly just swoops on down and lands on a quarter, whatever, totally normal. But wait. This is where shit starts to get freaky.

The fly is just sitting there, right? And then it sticks out this weird orange tongue and licks the fucking quarter and flies away.

Now you’re probably thinking “what the fucking fuck.” So am I, my friend. So am I.

So the fly flew away and the quarter had this orange mark on it, whatever it was weird. The next day there’s a fucking hole in the quarter.

THE FLY HAD FUCKING ACID BREATH MAGICAL POWERS!

After this I was freaked the fuck out but I made it my goal in life to kill bugs before they spray things in my room with magical acid breath powers.

Okay so basically I’ve been Ryan the bug slayer ever since because it’s basically been my day job to kill every bug ever in life. 

But here’s where shit fucking starts going fucking i dont even fucking know.

I’m arachno-fucking-goddamn-phobic. Which is why it was good that the gap letting in the bugs was not big enough for regular spiders to sneak through. Except oh right, spiders are fucking bitches. So one mama spider named Sarsparilla Spider (I name my victims before I kill them. That way they’re basically my bitches) just decided to make her goddamn webnest RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW and goddamn SHOOT HER BABIES OUT STRAIGHT INTO MY ROOM.

srsly wtffff.

So basically I was killing baby spiders like it was my day job. And then I got tired of it one day, took the bbq lighter and reached out my window and set her web on fire.

Completely burned down her web. Which may have inadvertently burned down my house also. Details, details. But I still consider it a win. At least I was able to pick up the insurance on my house. I’m pretty sure they don’t offer Spiders house insurance. Or dental. I’ll have to fact check that.

Nevermind guys. Let this be a lesson to never fact-check anything. Because not only did I not get an answer, I’m also probably never going to get to sleep ever again ever.

-The Gay