As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:

1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.

Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.

2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”

Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?

3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.

Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”

4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.

Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”

5. Do not facebook poke them.

Why not? Because that shit’s weird.

6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.

Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.

7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.

Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?

8. Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.

Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.

These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.

*Also, please don’t skin me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Gay!

I’ve recently started watching the show “No Ordinary Family” mostly because it has the fantastic Julie Benz as the female lead and also because… Wait no that’s pretty much it. The show is all about a family that suddenly gains superpowers and so naturally for the past week or so I’ve done nothing but convince myself of how awesome it would be if I had super powers and even worse, that one day it will happen.

It’s kind of a lot like that time when I was in kindergarten and I convinced my entire class that I was secretly a superhero with the power to turn into shadows. And I’d prove it by standing under a small tree, distracting them and then hiding behind it. They were so scared of me. It. Was. Awesome.

But now I think I’d settle for telekinesis or the power to teleport places. Mostly because those would save so much time with normal stuff and also, I guess help me with the whole fighting crime thing. But fighting crime seriously takes a back seat to me not having to get up from my bed to turn the lights off. That would be so great.

Also, Tumblr, do not try and tell me that “teleport” is not a word. It definitely is. This is like that time I was texting my friend to tell her that I couldn’t go out because I had a cold and my iPhone auto-corrected it to say “I can’t, I have a coal.” And then she got all confused and worried and I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn’t one of the miners that was trapped underground. But she’s kind of stubborn and didn’t believe me. I did get a really nice text from her though once they got all the miners out safely that went something like, “So glad to hear that you made it out okay! Also, now that you aren’t dying: You owe me $20 for dinner the other night. Just a reminder.”

She’s so sweet.

-The Gay

Does a One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater eat just purple people or does it eat people without any regards to their color and is purple?

Or does it only eat one-eyed, one-horned flying people?

These are the questions we should be asking.

I’m going to write a book called “High Maintenance and Socially Retarded: The Ryan Caravella Story.” It’s a good thing the internet exists otherwise I probably wouldn’t have friends. Until I write that book. Then I’d probably have a lot of friends because a lot of people would relate to it and buy it and then I’d be rich and everyone knows that people love rich* guys.

This works for me though. I spend so much time thinking that people hate me for no reason, but when I’m rich I can just get people to do that for me. Or hire an entourage so that people don’t fuck with me. Like J.K. Rowling. Only her entourage is made up of wizards so she’s arguably more badass and slightly more magical. You win this round, J.K. Rowling.

My book will totally get on Oprah too. Because it’ll be deep and Oprah just eats that shit up. It’ll totally talk about my lifelong journeys and my struggles against society and my rough upbringing. Except nothing exciting ever really happened to me so I’ll probably just lie and say I stopped a fire or something and then Oprah*** will end up suing me.

The moral of the story is, if you didn’t put out a fire, don’t fuck with Oprah. Because she knows. She’s been there.

*But not guys named Rich. Guys named Rich are usually douchebags.**

**Also guys named Richie. That just sounds hairy.

***I don’t know why Oprah would sue me. I don’t have time to think of these things, I have to write my award-winning book.

-The Gay

Yeah, this blog may be dead…but that doesn’t stop me (The Geisha) from using it to my own advantage to get shit done!

So, I’m entered in an art contest to win laptops and $5,000 for my school’s art program. Another prize is scholarship money, but that’s not important to me.

What is important is helping out my school’s art program and drawing attention to it, because my school (as crappy as it is) has some seriously talented students in it and they deserve to have a fantastic art program with better tools like new laptops for design and graphic arts.

So, how you can help: Click on the link above, share the link on Facebook and Twitter, have your friends share it, etc. The more “shares” and “views” my art gets, the better my chances are to win.

On a more selfish note, I’ve spent about 10 hours painting this work on the computer and I’d love to get some kind of credit or reward for it…especially since (no offense) a few of the submissions for the contest look like no effort was put into them.

Reblog if you’d like. If I win, you all get fortune cookies!

Thanks!

- Geisha

As my friends IRL know okay what friends IRL lol I am a 4 year old guido at heart. Disney is my favorite place in this entire world. I’m just not looking forward to the sweaty tourists.

And families with matching shirts.

And matching ponchos.

And crocs kill me.

does that look like a happy family to you?!

Come on, people. This is DISNEY WORLD. Not Lets Match Everything Down To Our Underwear World.

Was vintage things in style during like, the early 1900’s?

Like, you know how nowadays we’re like, “Oh yeah Carol is SO vintage. She wears 40’s dresses to parties and owns a vintage car from the 50’s!”?

So like, in 1930 were people like, “Carol is very vintage. She wears dresses from 1860 and likes to reenact the Civil War at her house during parties.”

These are the questions we should be asking.

- The Geisha. (I’M BACK BABY!)

Here’s my top tweets of the week:

“Facebook get your act together right this second. I have important stalking to do. I mean research. Important science research.” 

7:25 PM Jul 14th

“There’s a lion in your hallway that’s going to eat you if you don’t go to sleep Ryan.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“It didn’t work. I’m still awake. And now i’m afraid of lions. Good job, guys.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“if I lived in africa we’d have a serious problem right now”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“A cow lick is God’s way of saying “fuck you capitalism” or something” 

10:53 AM Jul 16th

Love,

The Gay

P.S. You can follow me here if you want

Happy Meme Monday! I decided we should celebrate by you wanting to tear out your retinas after seeing Mr. Feeney naked on a cotton candy cloud<3

I know, I’m too kind.

Disclaimer: I know this picture has a link that says “thebloglog.tumblr.whatever” on it but that’s because that was the blog that I abandoned for this one. Just clearing up that this is, once again, made 100% by me.

Love,

The Gay

Enjoy, Buffy fans!

Created 100% by me in my spare time while re-watching the entire series<3

-The Gay