As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:

1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.

Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.

2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”

Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?

3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.

Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”

4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.

Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”

5. Do not facebook poke them.

Why not? Because that shit’s weird.

6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.

Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.

7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.

Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?

8. Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.

Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.

These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.

*Also, please don’t skin me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Gay!

WARNING: Shit is getting real for a second.

I was reading something today. It was on dailybooth. It was a blurb about someone coming out to their parents.

And it was disgusting.

The person’s parents, according to the blurb, cried, cursed at him and were incredibly angry. And asked him to pretend he’d never told them for the time being so that they could digest it. And then the next day they acted like nothing had happened the night before.

And all of the comments were “Glad to hear it went well! I’m happy for you”

And he was happy that his parents didn’t “freak out as much as other parents might have.”

And that’s disgusting. It’s disgusting that someone should have to be happy that they didn’t get beat. That their parents were only MILDLY disgusted with them. I felt like I was taking crazy pills writing out my comment “I’m sorry that they took it that way =/” as I read the countless other comments saying “Good for you! I’m glad you finally did it =] And I’m glad it went well!”

That’s not what going well is. That’s not even a little bit going well.

That’s awful. It’s awful and it’s wrong. And I wish that some people would be able to feel what it’s like to really have a good coming out story. One where you don’t even need to say anything. One where they just know that you’re gay and nothing needs to be said. And you’re never made to feel uncomfortable about it. And you’re never meant to feel like they should have taken it worse than they did.

People deserve parents that actually love them unconditionally. Key word, unconditionally. Without break. Without time to think about it. Without ever believing for a second that your sexual orientation could alter their view of you or change their love for you.

I have a mother who was borderline abusive, both physically and mentally, and she still had enough sense to accept that part of me with open arms.

And it’s sad that other people don’t even have that.

-The Gay.

P.S. This is not saying not to be thankful. Yes, there are worse situations. I’m just saying that it’s awful that this is considered “good.” Because it really, really is not okay.

I’ve recently started watching the show “No Ordinary Family” mostly because it has the fantastic Julie Benz as the female lead and also because… Wait no that’s pretty much it. The show is all about a family that suddenly gains superpowers and so naturally for the past week or so I’ve done nothing but convince myself of how awesome it would be if I had super powers and even worse, that one day it will happen.

It’s kind of a lot like that time when I was in kindergarten and I convinced my entire class that I was secretly a superhero with the power to turn into shadows. And I’d prove it by standing under a small tree, distracting them and then hiding behind it. They were so scared of me. It. Was. Awesome.

But now I think I’d settle for telekinesis or the power to teleport places. Mostly because those would save so much time with normal stuff and also, I guess help me with the whole fighting crime thing. But fighting crime seriously takes a back seat to me not having to get up from my bed to turn the lights off. That would be so great.

Also, Tumblr, do not try and tell me that “teleport” is not a word. It definitely is. This is like that time I was texting my friend to tell her that I couldn’t go out because I had a cold and my iPhone auto-corrected it to say “I can’t, I have a coal.” And then she got all confused and worried and I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn’t one of the miners that was trapped underground. But she’s kind of stubborn and didn’t believe me. I did get a really nice text from her though once they got all the miners out safely that went something like, “So glad to hear that you made it out okay! Also, now that you aren’t dying: You owe me $20 for dinner the other night. Just a reminder.”

She’s so sweet.

-The Gay

This morning was one of those lazy mornings where I got barely any sleep so I only have enough energy in me to turn the TV on but not enough energy to change the channel to something that isn’t Dora the Explorer. So I watched Dora the Explorer. And shit. Was. Weird.

In this episode I guess for some reason all of Dora’s friends were trapped in some life or death situation? I don’t really know how or why they all almost died at the same time. In fact it was kind of like that movie Final Destination only with less psychic visions and better graphics. And also instead of them all dying in the end they all live. Mostly. Wait, oops, spoilers.

Basically it started off with some adorable baby jaguar being stuck in a tree and he was about to fall into some prickly thorn bush. So we get the net out of Backpack and Dora stops and is like “Wait, you guys… What do we do first? Do we catch the baby jaguar in the net first? Or do we celebrate about saving the baby jaguar first?”

I’m sorry, what? Do you want to try that question one more time Dora? So I’m literally standing there just staring at the screen and then Dora gets all pissed off because apparently I’m not answering quick enough and she gets all sarcastic and is like “GOOD JOB! We save him with the net first. Dumb bitch.”

Then we’re running to save Isa the talking lizard from some sort of flesh-eating ant army that’s got her trapped in a pit (not making this up folks) and we’re running full speed and all of a sudden Dora stops cold and is like, “There must be a faster way! We have to think rationally about this! Now breathe in…. And out.” Okay, literally Dora, everyone but you is taking this shit seriously. Backpack just speed-sung his song so that Isa wouldn’t get eaten alive, and now you want to stop to catch your breath.

So whatever, we end up saving Isa in time, no thanks to Dora, and we’re running now towards some giant Volcano that has some squirrel thing trapped in it. And that’s when she says it.

“The gooey geyser is going to go kerspoosh!”

I’m sorry, Dora, could you say that again? I couldn’t hear you over all the sexual innuendos. We’re running again and, can I just say, if you honestly really need to get somewhere fast, it’s probably not on a list of good ideas to stop in the middle of the forest and be like “Well what the fuck do we do now?” I’m looking at you, Dora. Also looking at you, stock female-lead-character-in-Horror-movies.

Then it happens again. Dora pulls out another awkward sentence and Boots is literally looking at her like, “Did you really just say ‘The Gooey balls! They’re going to hit us’?”

Yeah, actual quote, you guys.

We ended up saving everyone, thank God, and then we’re all just sitting around and Dora’s asking everyone what their favorite parts were. And so Isa’s like “I liked the part where I didn’t die” and the Jaguar’s like “I liked the part where I apparently flew up into a tree somehow before this episode started.” And then Dora turns to Boots and he’s like “I like when we counted to Cinco!”

Oh, really, Boots? Your favorite part was counting to 5? Not when you saved 3 peoples’ lives? Cool story bro.

Basically the moral of the story is that I’m not hanging out with Dora anymore.

-The Gay.

I’m going to write a book called “High Maintenance and Socially Retarded: The Ryan Caravella Story.” It’s a good thing the internet exists otherwise I probably wouldn’t have friends. Until I write that book. Then I’d probably have a lot of friends because a lot of people would relate to it and buy it and then I’d be rich and everyone knows that people love rich* guys.

This works for me though. I spend so much time thinking that people hate me for no reason, but when I’m rich I can just get people to do that for me. Or hire an entourage so that people don’t fuck with me. Like J.K. Rowling. Only her entourage is made up of wizards so she’s arguably more badass and slightly more magical. You win this round, J.K. Rowling.

My book will totally get on Oprah too. Because it’ll be deep and Oprah just eats that shit up. It’ll totally talk about my lifelong journeys and my struggles against society and my rough upbringing. Except nothing exciting ever really happened to me so I’ll probably just lie and say I stopped a fire or something and then Oprah*** will end up suing me.

The moral of the story is, if you didn’t put out a fire, don’t fuck with Oprah. Because she knows. She’s been there.

*But not guys named Rich. Guys named Rich are usually douchebags.**

**Also guys named Richie. That just sounds hairy.

***I don’t know why Oprah would sue me. I don’t have time to think of these things, I have to write my award-winning book.

-The Gay

As my friends IRL know okay what friends IRL lol I am a 4 year old guido at heart. Disney is my favorite place in this entire world. I’m just not looking forward to the sweaty tourists.

And families with matching shirts.

And matching ponchos.

And crocs kill me.

does that look like a happy family to you?!

Come on, people. This is DISNEY WORLD. Not Lets Match Everything Down To Our Underwear World.

I was just reading an article about literally the best piece of news I’ve heard all day. I mean, not to mention the best movement ever in gay rights history.

That’s right. I’m talking about the Westboro Baptist Church picketing a Justin Bieber Concert.

Now stick with me here, I’m not calling Justin gay (yet) but this is literally the best thing that could ever happen to the gay community.

Um… I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed how vicious the Bieber fanbase is.. but on a good day it is literally like that scene in Lord of the Rings with that giant orc army scaling the walls of some fortress trying to kill Orlando Bloom for being too pretty or something.*

*I’ve never actually seen Lord of the Rings.

Okay so wait, if you don’t know who the Westboro Baptist Church is, let me fill you in. It’s basically like walking into a forum on 4chan but they’re all dressed up like nuns and telling you that you’re a fag and that you deserve to die….

….So it’s basically like walking into a forum on 4chan.

And it’s literally just a group of people that believe that America is doomed because we don’t want to fry the gays for being the gays. And because of this they hold protests at soldiers’ funerals claiming that this is God “cleaning up America’s mess” and shit like that.

Messed. Da fuck. Up.

And up until now there’s been nothing that we can do about them because the police can’t touch them due to free speech and we can’t touch them or we’ll be arrested. It’s this whole big thing.

But now all bets are off. Because this isn’t just like the police department or the U.S. military that they’re dealing with.

They’re dealing with the Bieber army. And this is big shit. This is like the Westboro Baptist Church taking on Oprah: There’s just no walking away from it. One winner. One survivor. A battle to the death.

And if you don’t believe how vicious the Bieber army is then just go ahead and take a second and watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAAg6ePGZUE&feature=player_embedded

Yeah. Are you frightened yet? God it’s like watching Cloverfield all over again. And that’s what they do when they’re happy. I don’t even wanna think of the damage they could cause if someone took away their Justin Bieber bobble-head dolls or their Twilight gameboy cases.

Also just throwing it out there that this is probably counteractive towards the WBC’s goal. All this is probably going to do is get Justin Bieber’s fanbase (which consists mainly of the younger generation of the world) to hate those speaking out against gays. Thus pretty much turning them pro-gay.

So basically we win again Westboro Baptist Church.

I mean honestly, WBC, this is like that time you tried to take on Superheroes.

Love,

The Gay

Here’s my top tweets of the week:

“Facebook get your act together right this second. I have important stalking to do. I mean research. Important science research.” 

7:25 PM Jul 14th

“There’s a lion in your hallway that’s going to eat you if you don’t go to sleep Ryan.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“It didn’t work. I’m still awake. And now i’m afraid of lions. Good job, guys.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“if I lived in africa we’d have a serious problem right now”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“A cow lick is God’s way of saying “fuck you capitalism” or something” 

10:53 AM Jul 16th

Love,

The Gay

P.S. You can follow me here if you want

Happy Meme Monday! I decided we should celebrate by you wanting to tear out your retinas after seeing Mr. Feeney naked on a cotton candy cloud<3

I know, I’m too kind.

Disclaimer: I know this picture has a link that says “thebloglog.tumblr.whatever” on it but that’s because that was the blog that I abandoned for this one. Just clearing up that this is, once again, made 100% by me.

Love,

The Gay

Enjoy, Buffy fans!

Created 100% by me in my spare time while re-watching the entire series<3

-The Gay