I was telling my friend about a dream that I had today, and I think that I have a serious problem because apparently dream-me is even more stupid and forgetful than awake-me and that’s kind of not good because I’m the guy who didn’t know that your social security card was an actual card. I thought it was like how your birth certificate is just a myth. You know, if you’re a terrorist. (That was not me admitting to being a terrorist, by the way. I have a birth certificate. I think. I’ll check later, but either way I’m about 95% sure that I’m not a terrorist.)

So in the dream, me and my friend were Skyping and I was telling him all about how I was fighting with Dailybooth because it wasn’t letting me book flights for my out-of-country friends to come visit me. Or for my in-country friends to come visit me. But, really, looking back on it, I think it was my fault for forgetting that Dailybooth is not an airport. So, I apologize, Dailybooth.

But then my friend was all “Aww, well I’ll come visit you!” And I thought that was so sweet of him because everyone else was making me book their flights for them, although that was possibly because they thought that I was kidding because they knew that Dailybooth wasn’t an airport because they weren’t on crack when they fell asleep.

I know that there was more to the dream but I can’t remember it probably because the Men in Black used that mind-erasing device on me when I woke up to protect valuable government information that I learned in my sleep. Or possibly I’m just very forgetful. I’m leaning towards the first one. But don’t tell Will Smith. Or Willow Smith, actually, because now that I think about it, her name is dangerously close to “Will Smith” and I think she might just be Will Smith in disguise, wanting to re-live his popstar days. Wait, was Will Smith a popstar? I should google these things before I write them.

Conclusion: I should probably just stop going to sleep because my dreams don’t make any sense. Or possibly I should sleep more. I’m not sure which.

Also, in my dream, my friend got really bored while I was in the middle of my story, and he hasn’t responded since I told him about the dream. So I think it’s safe to assume that I’m psychic. I should team up with Raven and slowly but surely takeover the world, one life-lesson-teaching vision at a time.

Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Will Smith was trying to erase my memory. Well played, Agent J. Well played.

-The Gay

UPDATE: My friend finally responded and apparently I’m not psychic. Unless he was being sarcastic when he said “riveting tale, chap.” Which, normally I’d just automatically take that as sarcasm, but he’s Australian so you can never be too sure.

Making youtube videos to tell everyone that you’re “not dead” never was and never will be clever/funny. Unless the newspaper accidentally printed an obituary about you. Then you’ll probably want to post one ASAP. Or you could totally do what I would do and milk it for all it’s worth.

Think of all the awesome stuff that you could do if everyone thought that you were dead. For instance, you could haunt the shit out of people that you don’t like. Plus you could totally skip all the boring family holidays, like anyone’s birthday that isn’t yours. Or you could not skip them and freak everyone out. I mean, yes, there’s a general theme of being scary when it comes to being a ghost. But who cares? You have nothing better to do. You’re dead. Technically. Or not technically. I don’t know which one it is at this point.

Although, I guess it all really depends on how the obituary said that you died. Because if it’s something sad like cancer then you should probably just come right out and be like “jayplay, you guys, I’m still here.” But if it’s hilarious like “died petting too many bunnies in spite of severe allergies” then I say fucking go for it. Half because that’s hilarious and half because that’s probably the cutest way to die ever.

-The Gay

As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:

1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.

Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.

2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”

Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?

3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.

Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”

4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.

Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”

5. Do not facebook poke them.

Why not? Because that shit’s weird.

6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.

Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.

7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.

Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?

8. Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.

Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.

These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.

*Also, please don’t skin me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Gay!

This morning was one of those lazy mornings where I got barely any sleep so I only have enough energy in me to turn the TV on but not enough energy to change the channel to something that isn’t Dora the Explorer. So I watched Dora the Explorer. And shit. Was. Weird.

In this episode I guess for some reason all of Dora’s friends were trapped in some life or death situation? I don’t really know how or why they all almost died at the same time. In fact it was kind of like that movie Final Destination only with less psychic visions and better graphics. And also instead of them all dying in the end they all live. Mostly. Wait, oops, spoilers.

Basically it started off with some adorable baby jaguar being stuck in a tree and he was about to fall into some prickly thorn bush. So we get the net out of Backpack and Dora stops and is like “Wait, you guys… What do we do first? Do we catch the baby jaguar in the net first? Or do we celebrate about saving the baby jaguar first?”

I’m sorry, what? Do you want to try that question one more time Dora? So I’m literally standing there just staring at the screen and then Dora gets all pissed off because apparently I’m not answering quick enough and she gets all sarcastic and is like “GOOD JOB! We save him with the net first. Dumb bitch.”

Then we’re running to save Isa the talking lizard from some sort of flesh-eating ant army that’s got her trapped in a pit (not making this up folks) and we’re running full speed and all of a sudden Dora stops cold and is like, “There must be a faster way! We have to think rationally about this! Now breathe in…. And out.” Okay, literally Dora, everyone but you is taking this shit seriously. Backpack just speed-sung his song so that Isa wouldn’t get eaten alive, and now you want to stop to catch your breath.

So whatever, we end up saving Isa in time, no thanks to Dora, and we’re running now towards some giant Volcano that has some squirrel thing trapped in it. And that’s when she says it.

“The gooey geyser is going to go kerspoosh!”

I’m sorry, Dora, could you say that again? I couldn’t hear you over all the sexual innuendos. We’re running again and, can I just say, if you honestly really need to get somewhere fast, it’s probably not on a list of good ideas to stop in the middle of the forest and be like “Well what the fuck do we do now?” I’m looking at you, Dora. Also looking at you, stock female-lead-character-in-Horror-movies.

Then it happens again. Dora pulls out another awkward sentence and Boots is literally looking at her like, “Did you really just say ‘The Gooey balls! They’re going to hit us’?”

Yeah, actual quote, you guys.

We ended up saving everyone, thank God, and then we’re all just sitting around and Dora’s asking everyone what their favorite parts were. And so Isa’s like “I liked the part where I didn’t die” and the Jaguar’s like “I liked the part where I apparently flew up into a tree somehow before this episode started.” And then Dora turns to Boots and he’s like “I like when we counted to Cinco!”

Oh, really, Boots? Your favorite part was counting to 5? Not when you saved 3 peoples’ lives? Cool story bro.

Basically the moral of the story is that I’m not hanging out with Dora anymore.

-The Gay.

I’m going to write a book called “High Maintenance and Socially Retarded: The Ryan Caravella Story.” It’s a good thing the internet exists otherwise I probably wouldn’t have friends. Until I write that book. Then I’d probably have a lot of friends because a lot of people would relate to it and buy it and then I’d be rich and everyone knows that people love rich* guys.

This works for me though. I spend so much time thinking that people hate me for no reason, but when I’m rich I can just get people to do that for me. Or hire an entourage so that people don’t fuck with me. Like J.K. Rowling. Only her entourage is made up of wizards so she’s arguably more badass and slightly more magical. You win this round, J.K. Rowling.

My book will totally get on Oprah too. Because it’ll be deep and Oprah just eats that shit up. It’ll totally talk about my lifelong journeys and my struggles against society and my rough upbringing. Except nothing exciting ever really happened to me so I’ll probably just lie and say I stopped a fire or something and then Oprah*** will end up suing me.

The moral of the story is, if you didn’t put out a fire, don’t fuck with Oprah. Because she knows. She’s been there.

*But not guys named Rich. Guys named Rich are usually douchebags.**

**Also guys named Richie. That just sounds hairy.

***I don’t know why Oprah would sue me. I don’t have time to think of these things, I have to write my award-winning book.

-The Gay

-The Gay

I just got upset because I couldn’t find my coffee cup after I put it down to open my door. I’m thinking this might be an indication that I need to get more than one hour of sleep, but I’ve decided not to risk it.

I mean, I feel like eventually my lack of sleep is going to lead to me losing my mind and eventually burning out Mimi from Rent style like at the end when she almost dies (spoilers. oops.) only instead of almost dying from drug addiction it will actually just be me falling asleep for the first time in two weeks. And possibly also from drug addiction.

Or did she almost die from AIDS? I mean, I’m not even sure at this point. I just know that she was addicted to crack or heroin or something. Possibly pain killers.

Speaking of: I woke up with a really bad headache this morning. Is it bad if I take more than 10 ibuprofen at once? Even if the headache was really bad?

Also if you say yes, we may have a problem.

On that note, one thing I’m getting extremely tired of is justifying myself on facebook. So I’m going to stop doing it. I mean, if I post something about being a drug addict and you can’t figure out that it’s a joke then I guess you’re going to look like a dick when you tell everyone I’m addicted to heroin and I get sent to rehab but it’s actually really the place they sent Lindsay and Mary Kate and I end up getting free spa treatment. So really I’m the only one who wins here.

-The Gay

Here’s my top tweets of the week:

“Facebook get your act together right this second. I have important stalking to do. I mean research. Important science research.” 

7:25 PM Jul 14th

“There’s a lion in your hallway that’s going to eat you if you don’t go to sleep Ryan.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“It didn’t work. I’m still awake. And now i’m afraid of lions. Good job, guys.”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“if I lived in africa we’d have a serious problem right now”

4:07 AM Jul 16th

“A cow lick is God’s way of saying “fuck you capitalism” or something” 

10:53 AM Jul 16th

Love,

The Gay

P.S. You can follow me here if you want