As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:

1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.

Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.

2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”

Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?

3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.

Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”

4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.

Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”

5. Do not facebook poke them.

Why not? Because that shit’s weird.

6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.

Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.

7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.

Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?

8 . Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.

Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.

These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.

*Also, please don’t skin me.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Gay!