this has been a post
[The Guido]
I was telling my friend about a dream that I had today, and I think that I have a serious problem because apparently dream-me is even more stupid and forgetful than awake-me and that’s kind of not good because I’m the guy who didn’t know that your social security card was an actual card. I thought it was like how your birth certificate is just a myth. You know, if you’re a terrorist. (That was not me admitting to being a terrorist, by the way. I have a birth certificate. I think. I’ll check later, but either way I’m about 95% sure that I’m not a terrorist.)
So in the dream, me and my friend were Skyping and I was telling him all about how I was fighting with Dailybooth because it wasn’t letting me book flights for my out-of-country friends to come visit me. Or for my in-country friends to come visit me. But, really, looking back on it, I think it was my fault for forgetting that Dailybooth is not an airport. So, I apologize, Dailybooth.
But then my friend was all “Aww, well I’ll come visit you!” And I thought that was so sweet of him because everyone else was making me book their flights for them, although that was possibly because they thought that I was kidding because they knew that Dailybooth wasn’t an airport because they weren’t on crack when they fell asleep.
I know that there was more to the dream but I can’t remember it probably because the Men in Black used that mind-erasing device on me when I woke up to protect valuable government information that I learned in my sleep. Or possibly I’m just very forgetful. I’m leaning towards the first one. But don’t tell Will Smith. Or Willow Smith, actually, because now that I think about it, her name is dangerously close to “Will Smith” and I think she might just be Will Smith in disguise, wanting to re-live his popstar days. Wait, was Will Smith a popstar? I should google these things before I write them.
Conclusion: I should probably just stop going to sleep because my dreams don’t make any sense. Or possibly I should sleep more. I’m not sure which.
Also, in my dream, my friend got really bored while I was in the middle of my story, and he hasn’t responded since I told him about the dream. So I think it’s safe to assume that I’m psychic. I should team up with Raven and slowly but surely takeover the world, one life-lesson-teaching vision at a time.
Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Will Smith was trying to erase my memory. Well played, Agent J. Well played.
-The Gay
UPDATE: My friend finally responded and apparently I’m not psychic. Unless he was being sarcastic when he said “riveting tale, chap.” Which, normally I’d just automatically take that as sarcasm, but he’s Australian so you can never be too sure.
Making youtube videos to tell everyone that you’re “not dead” never was and never will be clever/funny. Unless the newspaper accidentally printed an obituary about you. Then you’ll probably want to post one ASAP. Or you could totally do what I would do and milk it for all it’s worth.
Think of all the awesome stuff that you could do if everyone thought that you were dead. For instance, you could haunt the shit out of people that you don’t like. Plus you could totally skip all the boring family holidays, like anyone’s birthday that isn’t yours. Or you could not skip them and freak everyone out. I mean, yes, there’s a general theme of being scary when it comes to being a ghost. But who cares? You have nothing better to do. You’re dead. Technically. Or not technically. I don’t know which one it is at this point.
Although, I guess it all really depends on how the obituary said that you died. Because if it’s something sad like cancer then you should probably just come right out and be like “jayplay, you guys, I’m still here.” But if it’s hilarious like “died petting too many bunnies in spite of severe allergies” then I say fucking go for it. Half because that’s hilarious and half because that’s probably the cutest way to die ever.
-The Gay
As a budding gay in the process of really finding out how to make myself more attractive, I’ve been getting around in the flirting scene lately. And to be quite frank, most guys totally suck at starting off the whole flirt-game. But that’s what I’m here for. To go down a list of dos, do nots, whys and why nots for you all. Let’s get started:
1. Do approach them confidently, both in your appearance and who you are. It’s okay to make the first move.
Why? Because no one wants to deal with someone that constantly needs to be told that they’re still cute. That shit gets boring, fast.
2. Don’t try and be funny and start the conversation with “Hi, I don’t like your face. Okay, maybe I do.”
Why not? Because why would you ever say that to someone?
3. Building off of that, never in your life tell someone you like their face. Even when not flirting.
Why? Because that’s a creepy, serial killer thing to say. Serial killers say that. Then they skin people. So unless you plan on skinning me, don’t say that.* But also don’t say that if you’re going to skin me, because I’d rather the last words I hear be something more happy and awesome like, “I totally heard through the grapevine that Neil Patrick Harris has a thing for you” or “Wow, you were right, Heroes really wasn’t that great.”
4. Do find out where they’re from and how old they are before you really get things going.
Why? Because you want to establish that stuff early on in the conversation. Not only will it give you a few easy topics to discuss, but if you’re not into long distance relationships, you’ll find out pretty early on whether or not you’re wasting your time. Just make sure that it doesn’t look something like “hi asl u r cute do u trade pix. ;) ;*”
5. Do not facebook poke them.
Why not? Because that shit’s weird.
6. Do not IM the person 3 times a day, strictly going through a casual “Hey, what’s up? Not much” routine before letting the conversation die away. If you don’t have anything productive to talk about, you shouldn’t even be IMing them once a day.
Why not? I’m not even explaining this one to you.
7. Do not add me on facebook when we don’t know each other and then facebook IM me simply saying “can you please like my status” which is apparently just you saying Merry Christmas.
Why is that even on the list? Because that literally just happened right this second. I’m sorry, what?
8. Do not google the person’s name. And if you do, do not tell them about it.
Why not? Because this also falls under the category of serial killer. And not the cute kind, like Dexter. The gross kind like the Phantom of the Opera. Even though I don’t think he was a serial killer. I actually don’t really remember why everyone hated him. Except for the fact that he was ugly. And I think he was ugly because someone set him on fire or something, like in that movie Pay it Forward. But with less Haley Joel Osment.
These are just some basic rules to follow when attempting to flirt with someone. There’s a bunch more rules that I have that are attached to some excellent flirting-horror-stories. But those are for another time. Until then, don’t do these and you might actually have a chance. So, I hope this helped you. Even though it probably didn’t. Wait, actually, I’m about 98% sure that it didn’t help you. Half because I’m not qualified to be giving any advice and half because I don’t actually remember any of what I just wrote. Except I think I wrote about serial killers. I probably shouldn’t publish this. But I’m totally gonna.
*Also, please don’t skin me.
Merry Christmas!
Love,
The Gay!
Alright, let’s preface this by the fact that I only came in halfway through and it’s strictly because I read on twitter that Julie Benz would be presenting. Also the fact that Christina was performing was a big plus.
I mostly forgot everything so this is pretty much just a collection/elaboration on what my Facebook statuses were as this was all going down:
First thing I see when I turn on the TV? Taylor Swift looking super hot. First thing I hear when I turn on the TV? Taylor Swift sounding… Not so hot.
I just want her to be good so badly. But it isn’t happening. Then I think Pink performed or something. All I know is that there was chicken, and I was going to eat it no matter what.
Christina’s performance was amazing as always. Could’ve used more insane riffs just to remind everyone not to fuck with her. But still really good.
Justin Bieber won a lot of awards that night. His performance wasn’t that bad. And the boy can actually sing (he was discovered off of youtube for god’s sake) so I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt, hoping that one day he’ll Timberlake. But when he won his second award… Oh my god. First of all he went by trying to high-five a bunch of other artists and more than half of them just stood there with a “Don’t touch me” look. Then he gets up on stage and right after he says that he’s happy that he won the award, there’s about a ten second pause where you can almost hear him thinking “Oh, fuck. I totally didn’t think I’d win two of these. Who do I thank now? The same people as before? WAIT… I’ve got it.”
….And then he thanked Michael Jackson because “none of us would be here if it wasn’t for him.” And that’s when I lost the rest of my respect for Bieber.
Also: Usher, it would probably help if you sang some of your song.
Then they brought out the presenters for the next award and uh… Apparently Avril Lavigne still exists? Who knew? She made a really unfunny joke too. It was really just a very sad moment for her and for the world.
Then Train came out. My Facebook status at this point was literally just “Train… WHAT did Ke$ha do to your pants?” There was so much glitter that she was definitely at least partially responsible. And what was with the extremely low-budget back up dancer costumes? Really, Train? Teenage girls with shirts that just say “Soul Sister” on them?
This is the moment where I almost wet myself. Because Julie Benz came on stage and announced Ke$ha’s performance. Which was actually good.
First impression: Wait, did… Did Ke$ha shower for this performance? She actually looks really good. What the hell? Stunt double? FYI though, Kesh, if you’re going to cross out the word “HATE” on your guitar, smashing it is going to deliver the wrong message. But she sounded good. I think she should’ve ditched the back-ups and just belted the shit out of the song. Because the girl proved that she can sing. Now prove that it wasn’t a lucky break.
Then I have a status about how I thought that Nick Cannon was married to Beyonce but that has nothing to do with the AMAs. I think it was because I stopped paying attention after Bieber beat Gaga and Katy for “Best Artist” or whatever that award was. Are we forgetting that Firework happened, you guys?
Then… The Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block happened… My initial reaction: “Oooo… This is embarrassing. It’s so obvious that none of you have sang in 10 years.” But then Nick Carter opened his mouth and he was actually kind of good. Or maybe he just looked really hot. I forget which one.
My biggest problem with it was that they gave the Backstreet’s version of Scary Spice the most solos. Then I had a conversation with myself that went something like “Wait, where’s Justin Timberlake? Oh, he was in NSYNC? Then where’s Lance Bass? …Wait, him too? What about the guy who played Chip Skylark in The Fairly Odd Parents? Wait, so who was in the Backstreet Boys?”
I was a Britney boy.
-The Gay
WARNING: Shit is getting real for a second.
I was reading something today. It was on dailybooth. It was a blurb about someone coming out to their parents.
And it was disgusting.
The person’s parents, according to the blurb, cried, cursed at him and were incredibly angry. And asked him to pretend he’d never told them for the time being so that they could digest it. And then the next day they acted like nothing had happened the night before.
And all of the comments were “Glad to hear it went well! I’m happy for you”
And he was happy that his parents didn’t “freak out as much as other parents might have.”
And that’s disgusting. It’s disgusting that someone should have to be happy that they didn’t get beat. That their parents were only MILDLY disgusted with them. I felt like I was taking crazy pills writing out my comment “I’m sorry that they took it that way =/” as I read the countless other comments saying “Good for you! I’m glad you finally did it =] And I’m glad it went well!”
That’s not what going well is. That’s not even a little bit going well.
That’s awful. It’s awful and it’s wrong. And I wish that some people would be able to feel what it’s like to really have a good coming out story. One where you don’t even need to say anything. One where they just know that you’re gay and nothing needs to be said. And you’re never made to feel uncomfortable about it. And you’re never meant to feel like they should have taken it worse than they did.
People deserve parents that actually love them unconditionally. Key word, unconditionally. Without break. Without time to think about it. Without ever believing for a second that your sexual orientation could alter their view of you or change their love for you.
I have a mother who was borderline abusive, both physically and mentally, and she still had enough sense to accept that part of me with open arms.
And it’s sad that other people don’t even have that.
-The Gay.
P.S. This is not saying not to be thankful. Yes, there are worse situations. I’m just saying that it’s awful that this is considered “good.” Because it really, really is not okay.
I’ve recently started watching the show “No Ordinary Family” mostly because it has the fantastic Julie Benz as the female lead and also because… Wait no that’s pretty much it. The show is all about a family that suddenly gains superpowers and so naturally for the past week or so I’ve done nothing but convince myself of how awesome it would be if I had super powers and even worse, that one day it will happen.
It’s kind of a lot like that time when I was in kindergarten and I convinced my entire class that I was secretly a superhero with the power to turn into shadows. And I’d prove it by standing under a small tree, distracting them and then hiding behind it. They were so scared of me. It. Was. Awesome.
But now I think I’d settle for telekinesis or the power to teleport places. Mostly because those would save so much time with normal stuff and also, I guess help me with the whole fighting crime thing. But fighting crime seriously takes a back seat to me not having to get up from my bed to turn the lights off. That would be so great.
Also, Tumblr, do not try and tell me that “teleport” is not a word. It definitely is. This is like that time I was texting my friend to tell her that I couldn’t go out because I had a cold and my iPhone auto-corrected it to say “I can’t, I have a coal.” And then she got all confused and worried and I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn’t one of the miners that was trapped underground. But she’s kind of stubborn and didn’t believe me. I did get a really nice text from her though once they got all the miners out safely that went something like, “So glad to hear that you made it out okay! Also, now that you aren’t dying: You owe me $20 for dinner the other night. Just a reminder.”
She’s so sweet.
-The Gay
•The phrase “Shit eating Grin.” WHY?
•Still puking over that last one, hold on.
•Trivial pursuit maybe?
•Outback with hot english teachers. Definitely.
•Wait nevermind that one’s just a maybe.
•Why am I making a list? It basically isn’t even a real one because I’m just talking to myself right now.
•Shit, I forgot what the other thing was supposed to be.
•Oh right.
•Twitter not letting me delete my no-longer-funny tweets.
•Get your act together, Twitter.
•Not the tony’s. They weren’t good enough.
•How on that commercial they always say something about “The Olsen’s” and I always think they’re talking about marykate and ashley. but they aren’t.
•A general theme of Olsen’s.
P.S., Jaimee & Alex, if you guys are reading this, this is my list of what I’m probably going to talk about in a month or two when I actually decide to write this post. Just clearing that up.
-The Gay
Does a One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater eat just purple people or does it eat people without any regards to their color and is purple?
Or does it only eat one-eyed, one-horned flying people?
These are the questions we should be asking.
This morning was one of those lazy mornings where I got barely any sleep so I only have enough energy in me to turn the TV on but not enough energy to change the channel to something that isn’t Dora the Explorer. So I watched Dora the Explorer. And shit. Was. Weird.
In this episode I guess for some reason all of Dora’s friends were trapped in some life or death situation? I don’t really know how or why they all almost died at the same time. In fact it was kind of like that movie Final Destination only with less psychic visions and better graphics. And also instead of them all dying in the end they all live. Mostly. Wait, oops, spoilers.
Basically it started off with some adorable baby jaguar being stuck in a tree and he was about to fall into some prickly thorn bush. So we get the net out of Backpack and Dora stops and is like “Wait, you guys… What do we do first? Do we catch the baby jaguar in the net first? Or do we celebrate about saving the baby jaguar first?”
I’m sorry, what? Do you want to try that question one more time Dora? So I’m literally standing there just staring at the screen and then Dora gets all pissed off because apparently I’m not answering quick enough and she gets all sarcastic and is like “GOOD JOB! We save him with the net first. Dumb bitch.”
Then we’re running to save Isa the talking lizard from some sort of flesh-eating ant army that’s got her trapped in a pit (not making this up folks) and we’re running full speed and all of a sudden Dora stops cold and is like, “There must be a faster way! We have to think rationally about this! Now breathe in…. And out.” Okay, literally Dora, everyone but you is taking this shit seriously. Backpack just speed-sung his song so that Isa wouldn’t get eaten alive, and now you want to stop to catch your breath.
So whatever, we end up saving Isa in time, no thanks to Dora, and we’re running now towards some giant Volcano that has some squirrel thing trapped in it. And that’s when she says it.
“The gooey geyser is going to go kerspoosh!”
I’m sorry, Dora, could you say that again? I couldn’t hear you over all the sexual innuendos. We’re running again and, can I just say, if you honestly really need to get somewhere fast, it’s probably not on a list of good ideas to stop in the middle of the forest and be like “Well what the fuck do we do now?” I’m looking at you, Dora. Also looking at you, stock female-lead-character-in-Horror-movies.
Then it happens again. Dora pulls out another awkward sentence and Boots is literally looking at her like, “Did you really just say ‘The Gooey balls! They’re going to hit us’?”
Yeah, actual quote, you guys.
We ended up saving everyone, thank God, and then we’re all just sitting around and Dora’s asking everyone what their favorite parts were. And so Isa’s like “I liked the part where I didn’t die” and the Jaguar’s like “I liked the part where I apparently flew up into a tree somehow before this episode started.” And then Dora turns to Boots and he’s like “I like when we counted to Cinco!”
Oh, really, Boots? Your favorite part was counting to 5? Not when you saved 3 peoples’ lives? Cool story bro.
Basically the moral of the story is that I’m not hanging out with Dora anymore.
-The Gay.